Are You Enforcing Your Boundaries?

As you might know, I am from The Netherlands. We Dutch people are known for being rather direct. Let me give you an (admittedly extreme) example.

Some time last year I went to a spa resort near the Dutch town of Leiden. After some wonderful sauna and hot tub sessions, my friends and I took a seat in the resort restaurant. It was busy—we were lucky to get that table. There weren’t many waiters around and the ones who were there were clearly working hard. So when they didn’t immediately come to our table to welcome us and take our order, we gave them the benefit of the doubt.

But then after five minutes, ten minutes, and eventually 15 minutes, we really wanted someone to take our order. So I flagged one of the servers down. “Hello”, I said to a woman in the spa uniform who was passing by, “could we please order some food?”

“No.”

And she walked off. As she did, she yelled over her shoulder, “you’re not in my zone, talk to that guy over there!” She pointed vaguely in some other direction.

I was flabbergasted. I understand that she wasn’t assigned to our table—that her colleague was covering our part of the restaurant. But surely she could have told us that more nicely? Or she could have called him over?

Now, I don’t have much experience from her perspective. I’ve only worked in a restaurant once, when I was 16 years old, volunteering in a home for the elderly. Still, I tried to understand why she reacted that way.

Frustration, perhaps, because there was clearly not enough staff around and there were many impatient guests. But I think she was also enforcing her boundaries. She wanted to take good care of the guests in her zone. And we were not in her zone. If she helped us, that would be at the expense of doing the job assigned to her. It’s understandable, even if she didn’t handle the communication well.

What enforcing your boundaries looks like varies from culture to culture. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend the ultra-Dutch way of doing it. But you have to practice some form of boundary enforcement to stay sane, to maintain your dignity, and to do your job well.

If you never enforce your boundaries, people are likely to take advantage of you. This is true in many parts of life and is especially plain in the work sphere.

I always pride myself on the fact that, as a consultant working in California, I worked fewer hours than almost any other analyst in the firm, yet many partners wanted to staff me on their projects. Why? Because I enforced my boundaries well, did not get (as) overcommitted or overwhelmed, and as a result delivered excellent work on time because I was able to focus.

This is a rather sterile story, of course. The reality of it was messier. But saying “no”—and saying it with more tact than the average Dutch person tends to use—was crucial to doing my job well. Other analysts who did not dare to push back found themselves drowning in work, unable to deliver on what they promised.

Who wants to work with someone who always delivers work late? Nobody.

Enforcing your boundaries can dramatically improve your day-to-day life. It’s not a matter of flicking a switch—it’s a skill that you need to develop. And it’s certainly a lot easier in some cultures than others. You can also go too far, thinking you are enforcing your boundaries when in fact you’re just being a jerk. But it’s good to ask yourself from time to time:

What are my boundaries?

Are people respecting them?

If not, what can I do about that?

Have a think and then take action if you need to. Good luck!