How to write a crappy cold pitch

Do you ever respond to cold pitch emails?

I will respond to some, but only if the sender seems to care and if I can tell that they have thought about whether it's a good fit.

Let me show you how not to cold pitch:

Hey Peter,

I'm Brad from [website], a site that's based on my passion for skateboarding and fitness!

Today, I'm reaching out to you today because of your article https://peterakkies.net/how-much-sleep-is-enough/, and I think my article could be a perfect fit for your article!

I recently spent a thorough amount of time researching and writing an article on the 10 Benefits of Sleeping and think you linking to this piece can be a valuable addition to your fantastic article, and would be something your audience would appreciate.

But here, I'll let you be the judge:

[link to his article]

Please, send through your thoughts.

Thanks, 
Brad

Who wants to receive an email like that?

It doesn't make sense:

• Skateboarding is not related to sleep
• Why would I link to his article? What's in it for me?
• My article is not "fantastic"

Clearly, Brad did not spend much time thinking about me. And clearly, Brad doesn't actually care about me. So why should I put in the effort to respond to him? Especially since there's seemingly nothing in this... collaboration (?) for me.

If you're going to cold pitch, don't be like Brad.

Yours,

— Peter

P.S. His name isn't actually Brad; I changed it.